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Going Crazy, Ladies

14 Nov

Do you really want to know why I am generally considered a tomboy? It’s because I generally despise girls. Keep in mind I say generally, please, and also consider that I was born female with all sorts of female parts and female hormones that classify me as one of them at least some of the time. That isn’t the point at all, though. You see, these girl antics are enough to drive everyone mad.

My number one pet peeve in the whole wide world is drunk girls at a party. They run around, shrieking and crying and making drama out of abso-fricken-lutely nothing. “OMG!!!!!!!! THATTTT GURRLLLL IS SOOOOOO WEARING A SHIRRRRT THAAAAT IIIII HAAAAVE. I’ll neverrrrr wear thaaaaat agaiiiinnnn.” Really?! They made hundreds, likely thousands, of that exact same shirt. I would bet everything I own that at least one person somewhere has to own that exact same shirt as you. Stop crying about it already. “OH EMMM GEE. SHE’S TOTALLYYYYYY FLIRTING WITH HEHHHMMMM. *SLANK.” You’re drunk, obviously, because they are talking. You know, like people do at a party. You’re just jealous that it isn’t you he is talking to.  So, stop crying about it already. This list is infinitely long, but I’m pretty sure you all get the picture that I pictionary-style drew for you.

Another reason why girls annoy me to no end is because they wear high heels/sandals everywhere, even though they know it is 20 degrees below zero or they know they will be having to walk long distances. In these situations, DO NOT complain about how cold your feet are or how bad your feet hurt. I am not going to feel the least bit sorry for you. Also, don’t tell a man that he has no idea how bad heels hurt. He was wise and never wore them because he had a good idea of how bad they hurt/suck.

Then there are the girls who explode for no particular reason. My ex “wife” (aka roommate) no longer has any contact with me because I complained to a mutual friend about her… erhmm, loud behaviours… when I was attempting to sleep in between two double shifts. (That’s two 16 hour days in a row, separated by 6 hours if I was released on time, people!) It turns out that he said something who said something to someone else, and, whelp, news got back to her. I would rather have faced an earthquake or mudslide or something as compared to the repercussions on that one. I understand her being mad, but holy Hannah, this was an illogical mess of me being blamed for everything being wrong in her life when it came to men, friends, and trust.

Oh, and my favorite: You know when girls secretly plan out the demise of another “friend’s” social or emotional demise? Yeah, that one. This whole time any guy that watched “Mean Girls” thought it was dramatization. I’m here to inform you the movie isn’t really that far off at all from what happens in real life. That is why I never ever partake in rumor spreading. I may be lying a little when I say that, but just a tiny, little bit.

Although I can go on about this topic just as long as most guys can, I’ll stop after this last one. It drives me crazy when girls over analyze every single thing a guy does.
Girl: “OMG, he just looked at me and smiled. Does that mean he likes  me?”
Me: “No, it means that you spilled something down your shirt and he is doing all he can to not laugh in your face right now.”
Girl: *Cry*

Girl: “OMG! He didn’t even kiss me on our first date! What’s wrong with him??”
Me: “Uhmmm, my guess is that there isn’t anything wrong with him…”
Girl: “You totally like him, don’t you?? I knew it! You’ve always had a thing for him. *Slank!”
Me: *Facepalm* “No, girl, I don’t like him. There probably just isn’t anything wrong with him.” Thought bubble saying, “For real, you’re dumb. I can see why he didn’t kiss you.”

Girl: “He told me I looked pretty today! Should I ask him out? Maybe I should just kiss him? Oh no! I probably already blew it!! THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
Me: “No. The answer to all of that is just no.”
Girl: “Whaaaaaat? I don’t get it!”

There you have it. Those are just a very few reasons why most of my friends are guys. It’s a lovely life! There isn’t back stabbing or life-long hatred the intensity of the sun and depth of a black hole. Fights are done in 30 seconds, a “Dude, not cool,” and/or a few punches if necessary, and drunken outings are chill events where the game can be watched without shrill cries interrupting every play. The best part: if we decide to go out and do something, we put shoes on and leave without having to change our outfit, put on make-up, do our hair, and whatever else takes up the hour in the bathroom. Put it this way: drama is virtually non-existent, the way it should be.

*Likely not the exact term used. But for terms of being G-rated, slank is the perfect combination of two general words that equally fit this situation. It’s my word of choice.

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6 Comments

Posted by on November 14, 2011 in My Inspiration and Motivation

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 responses to “Going Crazy, Ladies

  1. Ibrahim Asghar

    November 15, 2011 at 13:56

    HIL – ARIOUS.

     
    • Nothing hurt

      November 15, 2011 at 14:06

      Well thanks, mister!! Glad I could make you laugh 🙂

       
  2. John Haslett

    November 15, 2011 at 14:06

    Slank …. Huh! I’ve know a few. Perfect

     
    • Nothing hurt

      November 15, 2011 at 14:21

      Sorry you’ve had to be subject to their slanky ways. But I’ m happy you knew who/what I was talking about! Haha

       
  3. Photographs by Peter Knight

    June 7, 2012 at 15:17

    Very well written and funny! Nice one!!

     

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