Delicious Brains, for Breakfast

09 Nov

You have been told this before, it is never too early to be prepared for the zombie post-apocalyptic world. In general, I would assume that there is little differences in being prepared for such even as compared with being prepared for a hurricane or life with children. The exception is that you may want your guns on safety if you have the children because we both know that they are good at “accidentally” doing things, and if a gun is involved… whelp, let’s just say that you may have a few “Stewie” moments in your life. (Family Guy, anyone?)

I won’t lie, I will most definitely be one of the first to be zombified. I can’t run worth a darn. Even if I could, there are millions of people that can run faster than me. The only thing I may, or may not, have on the runners is that I have a mean, accurate shot. With the exception of one bullet, I have killed every living thing I have shot at. (BB guns don’t count, for obvious reasons. Such as them pretty much being toy guns. I would say they are a step up from paintball guns though, because they do break skin. And you could shoot your eye out, kid.) The issue is running out of ammunition, as it is a necessity to double-tap the brain eating fools. Which leads me back to the point: I can’t run worth a darn, and will most definitely be one of the first to be zombified.

What could I do, within reason, to increase my chances of survival? Here is my list, which is perpetually lengthening.

1. Get a dog. Probably a vicious one, that loves me to death. That seems to have come out wrong. A dog that will protect me to its death. Yeah, that sounds better. Then, I need to not become overly attached to it, because we know what happens in I am Legend. If you don’t, there are important zombie survival skills in there, and man, you better watch it.

2. Buy bullet proof glass for my house, and have a wonderful security system. I feel like this can be practical in real life without you seeming too paranoid schizophrenic. Plus, in Florida, they have amazingly thick doors to last through hurricanes. I fell that would help deter a zombie, and would definitely hinder an axe from getting through it in case these zombies are more intelligent than the average depiction. So, that would have to be incorporated into my house. Floridians also have figured out that houses on stilts is the way to go. Hello, mini-watch towers! Others have better prepared on this front, so if you really would like to survive, check these out.

3. Become friends with really large, tough, fast guys. Beware, football teams, boxers, and construction workers, of the awkward creepy chick that randomly seems to be EVERYWHERE and is overly friendly. The goal is to be close enough friends, or even possibly get one or more to fall for me (haha), so that they would have the innate male protection mode activated upon the distressing zombie times. Additionally, on the plus side, if we end up being the last two surviving in a large parameter, re-population would be an option. C’mon, it had to be thought of.

4. I need to learn a little something about computers/technology before all the science people are zombified. First off, because it would be useful to communicate with other locations/populations that could be existing, but secondly, these guys definitely aren’t going to keep around for just my looks. Primarily because I don’t exactly have any of the looks that I just referenced… but knowledge of technology would make me useful.

5. Another obvious requirement for survival is food. I shamelessly admitted to being a bit of a new couponer recently, but don’t think I did this because I had nothing better to do with my time. You see, I may be a broke college student now, but I can still prepare my food reserves with the best of them so that I won’t have to be running to the nearest grocery store when news of the first zombie reported hits the media. I’ll have my cool face on, sipping mojitos. (Alcohol doesn’t go bad and can be used for sterilization, just so you know.)

6. This idea may seem a bit obscure, and I may be exaggerating people’s sheep-like mentality. I am going to be an actively participating member of society, focused only on decidedly positive issues, within the community where I live. The purpose? Obviously, it is because I care. But when it comes to the post-apocalyptic, zombie ridden world, my hopes are that the people, if somehow given a choice, would pick the “best” members of their society to survive. You may have just caught on to the fact that I am an idealist. You may also have just caught on to the fact that I am trying to make the world a better place in this silent, sneaky sort of way. If you didn’t catch the second point, just erase that one memory thing you used to have but no longer have any idea what I am talking about? What??

6. This one is dedicated to the hero in me. If it is inevitable that I will be consumed by these brain munchers, I want to have a vile of cyanide on me. Self destruction, babe, that’s what I’m talking about. As far as my knowledge goes, zombies can’t raise the dead. (I think only other non-existent evil creatures like witches can, right? Please inform me if you know otherwise, because this alters the preparation a bit.) Although I would make a wonderful zombie, as shown above, I would not want to infect others and continue this negative cycle. Why cyanide, you ask? I don’t know of many chemicals (because I am not fabulous at chemistry, by any means) that are effective in small concentrations, don’t completely obliterate the digestive tract before its effective, and acts quickly. Plus I’ve heard it smells like almonds, which is completely an added benefit.

7. I have this portion covered, but to all ya’ll out there: please take a first aid course. Taking CPR simultaneously isn’t a dumb idea, by any means, because that knocks you up on that purely hypothetical ladder of productive members of society scale I referenced earlier. I think this is on the list for obvious reasons.

8. Purchase several Zombie Survival Guides available on the market, and keep them in a very convenient location in my house. Again, I think this is a straight forward idea.

Since I should actually be studying like I am leading my study partners on to believe, I am going to have to cut the list here. For now anyways. If the zombie outbreak happens before my public list is complete, I am terribly sorry. I did mean well, and I hopefully gave you eight tips to keep the human race alive and competitive for longer than the zombies could ever imagine.


Posted by on November 9, 2011 in My Inspiration and Motivation


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Delicious Brains, for Breakfast

  1. John Haslett

    November 9, 2011 at 14:14

    That picture could me up nights. I mean in a good way of course. Yikes . . .

    • Nothing hurt

      November 9, 2011 at 16:29

      To actually keep you up for nights… I might just have to show up outside your window when you are least expecting it.

      Hah, Just kind of kidding. Because that would just be creepy.


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