Monthly Archives: July 2011

Dear Diary

Today I just need to vent out everything I have all stuffed inside my overstuffed, empty cranium. You know that feeling when you have so much going on inside that you feel congested to the point of being sick, with all you want to do is cuddle up with that scraggly what’s left of a stuffed critter from childhood and sleep, but somehow you just can’t fall asleep? Maybe you don’t  because after saying that I sound a bit insane…

Either way, last night, my lovely boyfriend-in-law ever so stealthily snags my sister into their room and chews her out for, I don’t know, a good half hour or so after she gets home from working a double. I couldn’t quite hear what the issue was and maybe felt that I just might do something irrational if I played the top notch detective by putting a dixie cup up to the door. Plus, I got the sensation they were discussing me. Nobody really likes to hear bad things said about them. I have a feeling that the discussion went something along the lines of him reaming her for me being anti-social with him. Or for semi-avoiding him. And she was defending me because I’m reading, napping, or genuinely leaving to just walk the dog, and not to get out of the house. But all that might be a lie.

My issue is that he is far from a trophy prize, even from a local traveling carnival. Yet she has clung onto him like he is a grammy or diploma or something. He has, for fact, cheated on her, ditched her to move thousands of miles away, and was deep into drugs for a decent portion of his life. She never could figure out how he managed to attract all the druggies… He thinks that my whole family hates him, which I guess isn’t that far from the truth, but he doesn’t even try to connect with us/them. Not to mention that he has troubles holding a job for more that a couple months, fabricating some story on why he “quit” this time, and feels that he could be happier at another place of employment.

Why this bothers me so much is that my sister is a strong, dedicated, independent, hard working, personable young lady. Or at least she was. She lost her independence, becomes guarded and possessive around him, and will guaranteed choose his side in an argument, regardless how fantasized the story is. I feel like I lost my real sister to him. Like she has been replaced solely by the hormonal, PMS-ing version of my sister. She has to get his permission to do ANYTHING. Even sit out in front of the pool with me in, gasp, a bathing suit! We are going to get tattoos, but of course can’t do so unless he is along for the ride. She can’t wear leggings out in public because apparently she “looks like a whore” when she does. (By the way, she doesn’t; she’s quite a modest person.)

He does have a wonderful front though. He can be a decently nice person to your face. He will genuinely laugh at all the jokes told, and add to the entertainment himself. Unfortunately, this just makes me think he is acting. One of the best actors there are. The subtle crack on his not-so-polished exterior in combination with his sketchy past may be why I always have an uneasy feeling around him. Maybe the nausea comes from how well he has been able to turn my sister into a robot, so well controlled that he no longer needs a remote.

When he comes home from work, he immediately goes into their bedroom, closing the door behind him, where he will stay until my sister comes home. If he wants to even just fake a way through a couple conversations, he will have to do more that that. It’s not like I will prance into the room, lay on the bed next to him, and start with “How was your day?” Even if I did, I don’t think that would make us any closer friends. Worse yet, if I did and then I were promoted to “OMG BFF” status. Eeeeek.

With him being all anti-social and my sister bringing in the dough by working doubles, I’m feeling all sorts of lonely. It may come as a surprise to some people, but I’m an introvert. INFJ to be exact. (Hah, I love that someone has taken the time to divide me up into a personality group so that when I put down four letters, everyone nods their head like “oooohhhh, that explains so much!” Which I guess it really does explain so much.) The point is that I’m not the type of person to just go hang out at a local hang out and leave with 16 new friends, give or take a few. Instead I am more the type of person to sit at home and read all the books worth reading in the house, go on several mile runs with their adorable dog, and watch seasons at a time of television shows. By myself. Okay, although true, the last sentence fragment was genuinely just for drama.

Being here makes me happy that I actually had as close of friends as I did back home. It makes me miss my ex-job, and all of the people at my ex-job. It makes me wish I would have accepted a move from one guy in particular, even though I know it’s just a miniature fad crush from being around him too much. I think I’ve had enough of vacation. I think I would like to go back to the real world of bills, packed schedules, and occasional dinner dates with friends. Let me rephrase: I know I would like to go back to the real world of bills, packed schedules, and occasional dinner dates with friends. Here I feel like I am impeding on someone else’s life, home, schedule. As if I’m a burden to my own sister.

I might actually be a burden to my own sister. Not by her conscious choice, of course.

I suspect that I have complained enough for one day, and should save all this drama based terrible soap opera story for another day. Gosh, I hope I’m not as bad of an actor as those soap opera stars in my own life. It definitely is a possibility though. I’ve never been much of an actress, not by choice, but because of severe stage fright. I always forget my lines. And there I stand, feeling like I have so much going on inside of me that I feel congested to the point of being sick, nauseated to the point of wanting to cuddle up in bed with that scraggly piece of stuffed critter I find so comforting since childhood, knowing that I will never be able to fall asleep.


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,